Needed some inspiration so I posted this to Facebook and Twitter:

Let me get that Gauntlet for you, Mr. DeMarco. Challenge accepted.

Let’s talk about Chinchillas and how they’re destroying the world.

Fact: Chinchillas are adorable.

More specifically, the Chinchilla Lanigera is adorable. It’s the species that you think of when you hear the word Chinchilla.

But what you probably didn’t know is that there are two additional Chinchilla species: Chinchilla Brevicaudata and the Giant Chinchilla. However, unlike their fortunately beautiful cousin, The Giant breed is extinct and Brevicaudata is endangered. Hunted to the brink of extinction; likely for their dense pelts (Fact: Chinchillas sprout 60 hairs from a single follicle). Why are they dead and the Lanigera is thriving as a cultural icon of rodent cuteness? Humans.

In nature the Chinchilla is a “Mangy ground squirrel.”  But the Lanigera are nothing if not opportunists, capitalizing on their natural gifts. Their success is due to our intervention, our irresistible draw to things with soft fur, disproportionately large ears and a naturally inquisitive nature. True initially we continued to kill them for their luxurious coats. But that farming was a double edged sword, and the key to their advancement. Farming led to breeding and breeding led to the genetically engineered cute machines you know and love today. Conversely, today, the Brevi looks like a groundhog or maybe an awkward gopher.

Note: This is unlike the slothful Panda, who is naturally adorable thanks to their giant heads which are in turn thanks to their diet of bamboo.

Now the Lanigera are making their next move. Working through back channels, they are driving to abolish the farming of Chinchilla for their luxurious pelts. “Too Long!” they cry “Too long have we been fed to the jaws of the efficient death machines of the Humans, swallowing our kings whole and spitting out delicate fur covered trinkets.” And their tools for this move, our own love of a cuteness we bestowed upon them.

This is a master stroke by the Lanigera. Not only will it allow their numbers do explode due to the opening of the ranches (i.e. chinchilla concentration camps) but it keeps the downtrodden Brevicaudata from achieving a similar success through our “cute breeding” eugenics programs. It is not widely known that the Lanigera and the Brevicaudata are mortal enemies and have battled for millennia over the favor and love of their ancient Chinchilla God.  This is an epic reverse Morlok and Eloi battle going on under our noses.

Mark my words: this is only the beginning. After their Brevicaudata nemesis is destroyed where do you think the Lanigera will turn their vengeful attention next? That’s right, their only other natural enemy, and the creator of their unnatural and appalling cuteness: Man. Now safe and protected, in supposed captivity with unrestricted access to human technology, it is only a matter of time.

“Behold Humans, we have mastered your customs and your feeble hat technology!” ~Future Chinchilla Overlords

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posted: 09 November 9
under: Humor